AVOIDING THE SQUIRRELS

“It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.” -Herman Melville

Good morning loyal parishioners.  I’ve been looking over my last few sermons and I’ve decided that perhaps things have gotten a wee bit too serious here at the Temple of the Holy Chaos.  The voice of god had been loud in my head, but now it seems to have quieted down a bit.  (A week in Vegas will usually shut the little fucker up for a while.)  So today’s sermon might be a little bit lighter.  Or not.  One never really knows.

Ladies and Gentlemen, good peace loving readers, I have bad news for you.  There are DEMONS living among us.  Well, not full blown demons, but human beings with demon ancestry, demon dna, right here in our own neighborhoods.  Sure, they look mostly human.  They do all the normal human things.  And many of them are cute as hell.  But they are demon spawn none the less.  You know these demons by another name: Japanese girls.

Oh, now I know what you’re thinking.  Reverend Che, Japanese girls aren’t demons.  They don’t carry demon dna.  They’re just normal humans like everyone else.  You’re just being silly or paranoid.  WRONG WRONG WRONG!  They are demons.  Hear me out…

First, a word about my world view.  The inner world I live in is probably more flexible than yours, and unless you understand a little bit about it, you’ll never see why Japanese girls are most certainly demons.  As Hamlet said so eloquently “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”  I live by this credo.  I believe that we don’t ever get to see much more than a glimpse of reality.  All of our myths, every one of our stories and fantasies, have some truth in them.  Just as much truth about who we are as our histories and our mathematics.  If I make something up, and it seems factual, it probably is factual.  The Truth is made up of more than just what is true.  After all, is light a wave or a particle?  Neither until we want it to be.  I could go on, but I’ll leave the rest for another sermon.

Now, let’s define our terms.  What is a demon?  All cultures and all religions have some form of supernatural creatures.  If, from our limited human viewpoint, they’re generally positive we refer to them as angels.  If they aren’t so positive, we call them demons.  Of course it isn’t quite so simple.  Some angels might kick your ass while many demons were just a little bit misunderstood.  But the terms ‘angel’ and ‘demon’  are a useful generic shorthand for supernatural beings that represent either the light or dark side of the yin-yang symbol.  Let’s be careful here to weed out any christian bullshit about good and evil.  The Tao tells us that light and dark, angel and demon, are equal parts of the whole, both necessary and embraceable.

In ancient times many creatures walked the earth with humans.  Pan ruled the wild places and angels, heroes, and demons were common place.  But the rise of monotheism and in particular Christianity meant that humans could no longer tolerate the supernatural.  The world became a much narrower place.  The church declared war on anything non-christian.  The inquisition ruled the day .  Angels fled, trolls and beasties disappeared, and demons became persona non grata.  You think I’m kidding.  BULLSHIT.  Pope Sylvester (999-1003) confessed on his deathbed that a demon succubus named Meridiana helped him become pope.  He was forgiven during his last rights and the vatican developed it’s exorcism catechism.  Go ahead, look it up.  I dare you.

So what were the demons to do?  They were being hunted and killed all over the world.  They needed an isolated island where they could assimilate with humans over time.  And they found just such a place in Japan.  Is it a coincidence that Japan cuts itself off from the world at just about this time and stayed mostly isolated until the late 19th century?  I think not.  The island became populated with demons from all over the world.  And they stayed by themselves, breeding with the local men for centuries.  (I should probably mention here that I’m assuming that demon dna would be carried only by women.  That’s obvious.  I mean really.)  And now, centuries later, Japanese girls still carry that dna with them.  Demons.  Every one of them.

I know, now you’re thinking “Reverend Che, that seems reasonable enough, but how do you know there’re still demons?  Where is your proof.”.  Fair enough.  Here’s a list of the top ten things that will clearly prove my hypothesis:

1- Japanese women must cover their heads during the marriage ceremony in order to hide their demon horns until after the wedding.  Totally true.  Look it up.

2- The Bushido, or warriors way, was developed in Japan.  Unlike every other code of chivalry on earth it’s practitioners are not expected to protect women.  In fact women are usually seen as the path to darkness and dishonor.

3- The hero samurai never gets the girl in popular legend.  He always leave her behind.  Because she’s a demon.

4- The obsession with ‘Hello Kitty’.  How is that not demonic?

5- Have you seen Japanese tv shows or their sense of style and fashion?  Enough said.

6- Are you familiar with J-pop music or videos or dancing?  Check it out sometime.  Everything seems just a little bit off.  It’s mostly human, but not quite right.  Very difficult to describe, but if you’ve seen it I know you’ll understand.  It looks exactly like what you’d expect if something not quite human were trying to appear ‘normal’.

7- They don’t seem to feel the need to cook their food.

8- Japanese girls are obsessed with tentacle sex.  A clear holdover from their demon history.

9- They have short little stumpy demon legs but still manage to be sexy.  In fact, they’re sexy way out of proportion to their actual attractiveness.  Short, stumpy and kind of goofy looking.  But sexier than all those tall leggy girls with waists.  Don’t believe me?  Then why is Japanese porn the most prevalent kind of asian porn on the net?  Clearly a result of all the succubi dna.

10- The main Japanese fetish is bondage.  Perhaps to try to contain the demons?

I could go on and on, and sometimes I do.  But take my word for it.  Japanese girls are demons.  Not that this necessarily a bad thing, but you should be warned.  And that fact that my wife is Japanese has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.

Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. -Kahlil Gibran

Jesus H. Fucking Christ.  Freakin Moses and Mohammed.  I have had enough of the whole lot.  By the way, if you’re deeply religious in a god kind of way, you might want to turn to another channel.  I’m going to piss you off.  But I just can’t stand it any longer.  So here goes…

I, the Right Reverend Che Gonzo, have had it up to here with the three big monotheistic religions.  That’s right, Christianity, Islam and Judaism.  If there is a hell, every god damned one of you pious mother fuckers probably belong there.  I mean really, let’s start with the basis of your beliefs.  A big, anthropomorphic guy that just happens to look EXACTLY LIKE YOU created the universe and runs everything in it.  What are the odds?  I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that kind of arrogance.  So God is the “father” and he loves you and wants to bring you home?  This is some weird kind of Freudian shit going on here.  And I’m just getting started.

The ten commandments?  Sure they seem to be a pretty good idea.  But I haven’t noticed very many of you bothering to live by them.  There is ABSOLUTELY NO CORRELATION between monotheism and kind, moral living.  Sure, some of you do, but so what.  Good people are good people and evil fuckers are evil fuckers.  And that’s that.  Religion has ABSOLUTELY NO CONNECTION to moral behavior.  And you can’t argue otherwise or I’ll spend the next ten years listing evil shit done in the name of your specific god.

I understand that there’s a real danger in judging religions by the actions of a few.  Except you fuckwads do it all the time.  Right now many “good Christians” have their panties in a bunch because some Moslems want to build a community center 3 blocks away from where some other Moslem’s blew up the WTC.  Okay, by this logic we better not let Christians build their church next to playgrounds because so many priests seem to like sucking on little boys penises.  My point is that people are either good or bad, extreme or moderate, kind or cruel, based entirely on who they are, not on which temple they pray in.  But all three of these giant religions claim the moral high ground and to represent the will of god.  Bullshit squared.

Here’s something you’ll never hear a religious leader say; “Gee, I find this issue to be totally morally repugnant, but my God doesn’t agree with me so I guess I’ll go along with it.”  Nope, won’t happen.  Because ‘God’ just happens to agree with THEIR ideals and morals EVERY FUCKING TIME.  Again, what are the odds?  It’s amazing, ‘God’ is all powerful, but his very serious followers can’t even agree on whether he wants us to eat pigs?  Really?

The whole Judeo-Christian-Moslem world view is deeply fucked down to it’s very core.  The whole construct is based on the idea of ‘we’re right, we’re chosen and special, and everyone else is wrong’.  How can this philosophy help but lead to conflict, dehumanization of others, and war?  Do you want to believe in a monotheistic god?  Good.  Be my guest.  Do you want to follow the Koran or the Talmud?  More power to you.  I’ll defend those choices and your right to make them down to my dying breath.  But as soon as you start to talk about being the ‘chosen people’ or ‘the one true path’ or sending out missionaries or evangelicals to convert others you’ve crossed the line.  You’re no longer religious.  You’re arrogant, stupid and evil.

All three of the major old testament religions are constantly guilty of this.  The jews actually refer to themselves as the ‘chosen people’.  Moslems think they can kill people for drawing a picture of their prophet.  Christians, well, never mind.  You know as well as I do about missionaries and shit.  And all three of you want to make sure that everybody else follows your repressive, anti-sex, anti-joy, anti-fun, and all to often anti-kind agenda.  Even if some of us think the idea of a talking snake and a big guy in the sky is really fucking silly.  Even if we happen to believe that the spiritual part of the universe rejoices in our orgasms, our joy, and our tolerance.  So fuck you and your talking snake.

And that brings me to the final part of my heartfelt, sacrilegious rant.  (And I hope you stayed with me, because I think it might be the most important.)  The creation story that you all agree on, the one with Adam and Eve and the Apple, actually guarantees that you’re going to get it wrong.  If you believe this story, you’re screwed, and here’s why:  According to the bible, Adam was happy in Eden until the serpent and Eve tempted him onto biting into the “fruit of knowledge”.  Upon doing so Adam became ashamed, covered his nakedness, and was kicked out of paradise.  In this delightful little story the apple represents self knowledge or self awareness.  That new found self awareness is what makes Adam start casting about for fig leaves.  Now according to church doctrines, we are all ‘born into sin’ because of the knowledge gained by Adam.  And by following the church, we can ge forgiven and returned to Paradise.  In other words, the church is telling you that self awareness, self knowledge, personal growth and actualization is a sin.  Smart is bad, stupid is good.  And if you’re good enough, contrite enough, and dumb enough, you’ll get to lose all sense of yourself.  I’m sorry, but that sounds like a shitty deal.  It flies in the face of what we KNOW to be true.  That by becoming freer, smarter, and more self aware we get to be better people, not the other way around.  Although that back-assward  world view does explain why people like Sarah Palin seem to find so many followers.

So, here are the new rules:  Everyone gets to believe whatever they want.  No one is persecuted because of their beliefs.  No one gets to apply their religious beliefs to ANYONE OTHER THAN THEMSELVES.  No one is allowed to recruit, evangelize, or have missions.  Belief systems that celebrate joy, inclusion,tolerance, and self awareness will be given preference over hate filled bullshit.  And I know these rules are right because I talked to God.  He looked just like me, and he thinks I’m always right.  What a wonderful coincidence!  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.

“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” - William James

So, loyal parishioners, I’ve been thinking.  Perhaps even pondering.  Musing.  Cogitating.  And of course, you’re wondering what’s been going on in the crazy  Reverend’s head.  Well, I’m so glad you asked.  I’ve been thinking about tolerance.

I believe in tolerance.  I really BELIEVE in it.  I don’t just think it’s a good idea.  I WORK at it.  Hard.  And it’s reflected in my life.  I have friends who represent a broad range of philosophies.  Wacky right to wacky left.  Hippie to Evangelical Christian.  Biker to drag queen.  Gay, straight, old, young, all races and religions.  And I can find common ground with all of them. Regardless of who they are or what they believe, there’s more places where we agree then disagree.  And I work HARD to remember that fact when something comes up that exposes places where we differ.  If I listed the ten most important qualities in human beings, I’d put tolerance pretty close to the top.  But there’s a limit to my practice, and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it.

If you believe in tolerance, practice it and live it, what do you do about the intolerant?  I know.  We’re practically drowning in irony here.  But I can’t find it in myself to tolerate the intolerant.  I have no problem with Islam, but when whole countries deny humanity to half their citizens because of their gender it makes me fucking nuts.  If you want to believe in Jesus, go right ahead.  But when a bunch of you idiots get together to demonize people who love each other and want to form a family, I want to put your fucking head in a car door and slam it a few times.  And those aren’t very tolerant views.  What a mess.

Is there a limit to tolerance?  Should there be?  And is that limit the place where you run into intolerance?  I’m not sure.  I wish I could be tolerant of everyone.  My spirit tells me it’s the right thing to do.  But that hardly seems practical, because if you allow intolerance to run unchecked you frequently end up with slavery or concentration camps.  So perhaps we should stand up to intolerance.  Call it out for the shitty hatred it represents.  But then aren’t we practicing the very thing we’re trying to abolish?  I just don’t know.

The best answer I can come up with is that tolerance is just a human idea, and like all human endeavors, it’s deeply flawed.  So once again I guess I have to learn to live with conflict within myself.  Practice tolerance, but refuse to accept the intolerant.  Take it on a case by case basis.  Sometimes I wish I was a little smarter, a little wiser, a little better.  But you have to work with what you’ve got.  Do you have any better ideas?  If so, email me or hit me up on facebook or twitter.  (All that info is on the contact page.)

Oh well.  Enough of that.  C’est la vie.  And if you’re religious please try to remember this little sermon in a few days.  Because I’ve about had it with churches and I feel a very angry rant coming on.  I’ll just apologize in advance!  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.

Well boys and girls, I’m back already.  My last post stirred up lots of muck in this defective old brain and whenever that happens the voice of the almighty comes roaring through.  (For the uninitiated, as a Reverend I speak to God regularly.  As a thinking person, I refuse to believe in an anthropomorphized supernatural being.  You figure it out.)  So anyway, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted by parentheses?  Oh yes, stirrings in the muck…

When last we met I prattled on about my experiences at the soon to be lamented Bodhi Tree.  This got me to thinking about Malcolm Gladwell.  Do you know who he is?  Do you care?  He’s a writer who’s written two fabulous, thought provoking books.  (I know he’s written more than two, I just particularly liked these two.  (And sorry for the parentheses again (Oooh parentheses in parentheses in parentheses.  I better stop before I go blind.)))  The first is called The Tipping Point and it deals with… well, never mind.  That’s not what I want to talk about.  But go read it, especially if you’re interested in how societies change.  The one I want to talk about is The Outliers.  Pretty cool book, but I won’t go on and on about it either.  I’ll just mention one idea that really struck me; the 10,000 hour rule.

Mr. Gladwell is very interested in highly accomplished people.  He interviews them and ruminates on their success.  And one of the things he decides is that to truly understand a thing or master a skill you need to spend 10,000 hours doing it.  Think about it.  10,000 hours.  That’s a lot, but I think he’s probably got it about right.  Wanna play a musical instrument?  10,000 hours of practice.  Be good at a martial art?  10,000 hours on the mat.  Really get a handle on some task at your job?  Well, you get the idea.

Since I’m now what some people would consider middle-aged, there are a few things I’ve spent 10,000 hours doing, for better or worse.  What are they and what does this mean for my life?  Here’s what I’ve thought of so far, discounting all the obvious shit like eating and sleeping:

Martial Arts- Absolutely.  That’s probably good.

Teaching- Way more than 10,000.  Also pretty good.

Reading- Yep.  Still good.

Having Sex- Probably somewhere around 10,000 hours, but harder to figure accurately.  What can I say.  I like sex.

Watching bad movies-  Maybe not such a good thing.

Working out/running- That’s cool.

Driving- Okay, I guess.

Being stoned/drunk- Again, this one is hard to figure, but I might be getting close.  Probably not such a good thing.

Watching Baseball- A fan is a fan.

Worrying or stressing- Okay, this one sucks.  I think I’ll stop now.

So, what have you spent 10,000 hours doing?  What are you succeeding at?  I can’t help but think about my late teacher George Leonard who always used to say “Practice makes perfect and you’re always practicing something”.  What are you perfecting?  And if you don’t like the answer, start something new.  It’s not too late.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion!