AVOIDING THE SQUIRRELS

Congratulations!  You’re a survivor.  Of all the trillions of organisms in the history of this planet, you’ve survived.  In fact you’re the heir to hundreds of generations of survivors and you carry their traits with you.  Their cleverness, cunning, and drive to succeed are the basic building blocks for everything you do.  Survival is still a full time job.  Providing for your basic needs, raising a family, and having a little fun or relaxation probably fill up all of your day and then some.  This is an accomplishment, and you should take pride in it.  But, late at night, when things are quiet and you can’t sleep, a little voice in your head whispers that there might be more.  No matter how good you are at surviving, no matter how well you provide for your needs, that late night doubt still comes creeping in.  Listen to that little voice, because it’s right.  There should be more.

Many animals and organisms can survive.  There are simple lichen colonies that live for hundreds of years.  Giant tortoises live as long as we do.  They’re very good at plodding along, getting enough to eat, and pulling their head in when it rains.  There may be times when you feel a lot like the tortoise, doing enough to get by, trudging through the day.  Surviving is defined as meeting all the basic goals necessary to continue your existence through time.  It includes all the things you learned in elementary school; food, shelter, warmth, water, air.  It also includes a few more things that are a little subtler, but just as important.  We need human contact, a sense of purpose, and a bit of acknowledgment to really get by.

But we can do more.  We can thrive!  One way to look at our lives is that there are four parts to every human being; the physical, the intellectual, the emotional, and the spiritual.  These are usually shortened to body, head, heart and soul.  Thriving is getting the most out of all four of these components and allowing them to work together and support each other so the whole becomes greater than it’s parts.  Theriving is making the other choice, creating art, or making fun a real priority.  Thriving is when all the parts of your life are in synch, accurately reflecting who you are, and allowing you to pursue any goal.  Are you brave enough to thrive?  Am I?

“I was a soldier so my children could be merchants, so their children could be artists.” - John Adams

It’s no secret that this country is in a bad way.  All our money seems to have disappeared.  Greedy little goat-fuckers on Wall St. have pissed away the nation’s wealth.  Thirty years of Reaganomics and making the rich richer haven’t turned out to be such a good idea after all.  Big fucking surprise.  So now what?

Well, this isn’t going to be an economics post.  That answer is pretty easy.  Make the rich people give the money back.  If they don’t comply, eat them.  Problem solved.  No, I want to address a deeper issue.  How do we keep this shit from happening in the first place?  And how do we create a society that would be at least a little bit immune to the influence of greed and self interest?  Art.

Yep, it’s just that simple.  When squirrels start to take over the first thing they do is go after the artists.  It doesn’t even matter which group of squirrels is trying to gain power: religious squirrels, conservative squirrels, liberal squirrels, whatever.  They all go after the artists first.  There must be a food reason for this.  And there is.  Art is the antidote to squirrely behavior.

A few years ago I saw a Blues musician interviewed.  (I don’t remember which one.  Sorry.)  He said that all music was true, but only the Blues was the Truth.  He was onto something.  The world is true.  Economics and commerce are true.  Work and industry are true.  But only Art is the Truth.  And as the Truth it has power.  Art centers and informs the society it exists in.  It reminds us of deeper things and keeps us on out toes.  It’s the teacher we all need to remind us of both our priorities and our higher calling.  It’s the only true religion and the only true patriotism.

So, if you want to help out the recovery then go out and create some art.  Or just consume some.  Paint or go to a gallery.  Write a poem or go to a reading.  Dance or play or train in a Martial Art.  “There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into sun.” - Pablo Picasso.  That’s what we need.    Your country is counting on you!

As I look around I see a lot of unhappy people.  Perhaps they need to change their fate.  I know it can be done.  I did it.

We all have a destiny.  It isn’t mystical or religious.  It’s a predictable path based on a number of factors: genetics, national origin, socioeconomic class, intelligence, opportunity, expectations, family support, etc.  You were born in a certain place and time with a dominant religion, social dynamic and specific laws and traditions.  Your family had a specific style with varying degrees of abuse and support.  All these factors come together to determine what you believe about the world, what you do for a living, who you marry, and how you spend your time.  

Your fate is largely determined by a conglomeration of nature and nurture tempered by your experience.  A lot of people are surprised to look up and find themselves to be middle-aged and maybe not too much different than their parents were.  Or find themselves in a job that they never would have accepted when they were younger and more idealistic.  Or married to someone that fulfills a role rather than fires their heart.  They succumbed to their destiny.

  Most everyone you know is probably trapped by their destiny.  You might be trapped by it too.  But you don’t have to be.  You can make the OTHER choice.  And no, it isn’t too late.  Look at your life.  Do you ever say something like ‘that would be cool but I could never…’.  Well, you’re wrong.  You’re just choosing destiny.  How many things have you done because they were expected?  How often did your actions please someone besides yourself?  What are your unconscious assumptions about life and how can you discover more of them?  Is your life a reflection of your true nature?  And how can this knowledge change what you do now?   

This process of self examination and making the OTHER choice takes tremendous courage.  My dad wanted to be a revolutionary and go fight by the side Che.  He couldn’t quite do it.  Instead he married my mother and entered the corporate world.  She kept him in line and made sure he did all the expected things.  They were both outwardly successful, inwardly miserable, and terribly abusive because of their fear, insecurity, and desperate unhappiness.  Being his son I faced most of the same choices.  I did well enough in school, got engaged to somebody who would keep me out of trouble, and made the kinds of choices expected of me.  I liked my wife a lot, but I didn’t love her and I’m really sorry about that.  The problem was that I hated my destiny.

Freshman year in college I met an amazing girl named Lauren.  She was smart, creative, and represented the kind of future that I yearned for.  Whether she knew it or not, I loved her.  But I didn’t have the courage to follow through and went back to my safe fiancee instead.  I certainly don’t know if it would have worked out or how she felt.  This isn’t some creepy maudlin ‘what might have been’ piece.  I just know she represented the OTHER choice and that I’d been too weak to take the risk.  I fucked up, and a few years later I knew it.  

Failure teaches better than success and when I got another chance I was ready.  I’d been working on my courage.  Martial Arts training, Zen study and meditation, some therapy, a lot of soul searching.  You know the routine.  When I met Sharon I got to try that choice again.  I had to abandoned things I thought were true, both about myself and the world at large.  I had to leave ‘safe’ behind.  And I had to hurt somebody I cared about.  It was scary as hell, but I did it anyway.  We’re still together and she’s my partner in everything I do.  I had started to make the OTHER choice.  I still do, and it’s still hard.  But there’s very little of my current life that resembles the lives of my family or really anyone else but me.  And I like my life.  I avoided my destiny.

I don’t want to sugar coat this.  Sometimes you fail and lose it all.  But I think it’s better to fail in your own life than to succeed in a random destiny.  I made the OTHER choice.  I learned what’s meant by the road less traveled.  And it does make all the difference.  Find out who you are, develop your courage, and be brave enough to risk everything when you get the chance.  And thank you Lauren, wherever you are.

Today was a big day for me but a lot of people don’t seem to get why.  Hell, my wife ignored the occasion with great determination.  But it’s important to me anyway.  I have my own name.

This might seem like a strange thing to say.  Of course you have your own name.  Well, not really.  Not until 10:00 this morning.  Let me explain.  My legal name is was Douglas Howard McIntosh III.  Yes, the third.  My father was jr, etc.  I’m sure my parents named me that because it was the ‘right thing to do’.  However my ever conflicted father never called me that.  (He frequently did the proper thing and hated it.)  He called me Angus from birth.  So did everybody else.  This is a bit of a weird family tradition.  He was called Jock and my brother, Robert James, was called Hamish as children.  They both dropped the nickname as adults.  I didn’t.  I’ve never been called anything but ‘Angus” by anyone, ever.

This led to a strange duality.  Legally I was DHMIII.  My drivers license, credit cards, taxes, bank accounts, marriage and divorce papers, etc are all in that name.  But many of my other documents like my black belt certificates, my trainers license, my teaching contracts, etc were in Angus.  More importantly I felt like my documentation, my legal standing as an adult, was somehow fraudulent.  I wasn’t DHMII.  Never had been.  Don’t even know the guy.  I was Angus, and I didn’t qualify for any of these official things.  But not any more.

I went to court and changed my name.  As of 10:00m this morning a judge ruled that I am legally now known only as Angus X. McIntosh.  Whoever that Douglas guy was is dead and gone.  In a few weeks I’ll have a drivers license and checks and credit cards in my name.  For the first time.  At age 46.  It means more to me than I can express.  I think maybe now I’m a legitimate adult.  But I probably won’t be any more mature!