AVOIDING THE SQUIRRELS

“It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.” -Herman Melville

Good morning loyal parishioners.  I’ve been looking over my last few sermons and I’ve decided that perhaps things have gotten a wee bit too serious here at the Temple of the Holy Chaos.  The voice of god had been loud in my head, but now it seems to have quieted down a bit.  (A week in Vegas will usually shut the little fucker up for a while.)  So today’s sermon might be a little bit lighter.  Or not.  One never really knows.

Ladies and Gentlemen, good peace loving readers, I have bad news for you.  There are DEMONS living among us.  Well, not full blown demons, but human beings with demon ancestry, demon dna, right here in our own neighborhoods.  Sure, they look mostly human.  They do all the normal human things.  And many of them are cute as hell.  But they are demon spawn none the less.  You know these demons by another name: Japanese girls.

Oh, now I know what you’re thinking.  Reverend Che, Japanese girls aren’t demons.  They don’t carry demon dna.  They’re just normal humans like everyone else.  You’re just being silly or paranoid.  WRONG WRONG WRONG!  They are demons.  Hear me out…

First, a word about my world view.  The inner world I live in is probably more flexible than yours, and unless you understand a little bit about it, you’ll never see why Japanese girls are most certainly demons.  As Hamlet said so eloquently “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”  I live by this credo.  I believe that we don’t ever get to see much more than a glimpse of reality.  All of our myths, every one of our stories and fantasies, have some truth in them.  Just as much truth about who we are as our histories and our mathematics.  If I make something up, and it seems factual, it probably is factual.  The Truth is made up of more than just what is true.  After all, is light a wave or a particle?  Neither until we want it to be.  I could go on, but I’ll leave the rest for another sermon.

Now, let’s define our terms.  What is a demon?  All cultures and all religions have some form of supernatural creatures.  If, from our limited human viewpoint, they’re generally positive we refer to them as angels.  If they aren’t so positive, we call them demons.  Of course it isn’t quite so simple.  Some angels might kick your ass while many demons were just a little bit misunderstood.  But the terms ‘angel’ and ‘demon’  are a useful generic shorthand for supernatural beings that represent either the light or dark side of the yin-yang symbol.  Let’s be careful here to weed out any christian bullshit about good and evil.  The Tao tells us that light and dark, angel and demon, are equal parts of the whole, both necessary and embraceable.

In ancient times many creatures walked the earth with humans.  Pan ruled the wild places and angels, heroes, and demons were common place.  But the rise of monotheism and in particular Christianity meant that humans could no longer tolerate the supernatural.  The world became a much narrower place.  The church declared war on anything non-christian.  The inquisition ruled the day .  Angels fled, trolls and beasties disappeared, and demons became persona non grata.  You think I’m kidding.  BULLSHIT.  Pope Sylvester (999-1003) confessed on his deathbed that a demon succubus named Meridiana helped him become pope.  He was forgiven during his last rights and the vatican developed it’s exorcism catechism.  Go ahead, look it up.  I dare you.

So what were the demons to do?  They were being hunted and killed all over the world.  They needed an isolated island where they could assimilate with humans over time.  And they found just such a place in Japan.  Is it a coincidence that Japan cuts itself off from the world at just about this time and stayed mostly isolated until the late 19th century?  I think not.  The island became populated with demons from all over the world.  And they stayed by themselves, breeding with the local men for centuries.  (I should probably mention here that I’m assuming that demon dna would be carried only by women.  That’s obvious.  I mean really.)  And now, centuries later, Japanese girls still carry that dna with them.  Demons.  Every one of them.

I know, now you’re thinking “Reverend Che, that seems reasonable enough, but how do you know there’re still demons?  Where is your proof.”.  Fair enough.  Here’s a list of the top ten things that will clearly prove my hypothesis:

1- Japanese women must cover their heads during the marriage ceremony in order to hide their demon horns until after the wedding.  Totally true.  Look it up.

2- The Bushido, or warriors way, was developed in Japan.  Unlike every other code of chivalry on earth it’s practitioners are not expected to protect women.  In fact women are usually seen as the path to darkness and dishonor.

3- The hero samurai never gets the girl in popular legend.  He always leave her behind.  Because she’s a demon.

4- The obsession with ‘Hello Kitty’.  How is that not demonic?

5- Have you seen Japanese tv shows or their sense of style and fashion?  Enough said.

6- Are you familiar with J-pop music or videos or dancing?  Check it out sometime.  Everything seems just a little bit off.  It’s mostly human, but not quite right.  Very difficult to describe, but if you’ve seen it I know you’ll understand.  It looks exactly like what you’d expect if something not quite human were trying to appear ‘normal’.

7- They don’t seem to feel the need to cook their food.

8- Japanese girls are obsessed with tentacle sex.  A clear holdover from their demon history.

9- They have short little stumpy demon legs but still manage to be sexy.  In fact, they’re sexy way out of proportion to their actual attractiveness.  Short, stumpy and kind of goofy looking.  But sexier than all those tall leggy girls with waists.  Don’t believe me?  Then why is Japanese porn the most prevalent kind of asian porn on the net?  Clearly a result of all the succubi dna.

10- The main Japanese fetish is bondage.  Perhaps to try to contain the demons?

I could go on and on, and sometimes I do.  But take my word for it.  Japanese girls are demons.  Not that this necessarily a bad thing, but you should be warned.  And that fact that my wife is Japanese has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.

And thank goodness for that.  How creepy would that be?  Anyway, boys and girls, The Right Reverend is back online, and the world shrugs in a nonchalant way.  Where have I been, you ask?  I’ve been exploring the dark recesses of my soul and found it to be both dark and recessed.  But enough about me, how have you been?  On second thought, forget about you.  Let’s get back to me.  I’m a much more interesting topic.  How have I been?  What’s going on in my life?  Well, read on gentle reader.  (And if you don’t care about my opinions, what are you doing here?  Go back to downloading porn.)

The last 3 months have been one of those horrible chances to expand and grow.  Another fucking learning experience.  For the last 20 years my life has been arranged around helping other people.  Service above self.  Really, no shit.  Raising children, training clients, teaching both kids and adults, starting and growing the nonprofit. supporting friends, healing others, and learning to be kind.  (The kind part was hard because I come from a long line of assholes!)  Now that period of my life seems to be over for a while.  I need to heal myself.

This transition has TOTALLY SUCKED.  Transitions always do, and this one involves a complete reorientation of thought.  Alas, poor me.  All right, enough whining.  I’m such a drama queen.  You get the point.  I’ve got ISSUES.  My knee os totally fucked.  My cholesterol is too high.  Flying monkeys have colonized my brain.  So the next 6 months are going to be a rebuilding period.  Run 6 days a week.  Maybe another marathon.  Less junk food.  Full nights of sleep.  Weights three times a week.  Martial arts training three times a week.  Learning to play some music on the bagpipes.  Walks on the beach and time spent with friends.  You get the picture.  In other words I have to spend half a year doing all the shit I help other people do.  Oh, the horror.

And after that?  Well in October I’m going to start my 5th career, writer.  I have 2 books outlined and I’m damn well going to write them.  How hard could that be?  I think I’ll write both at the same time to make it more challenging.  But not until the fall.  Until then I’m learning to take care of myself.  Not an easy job, but God says I should and, as a reverend, I must obey.  It will also give me plenty of time to update the blog, but as we said earlier, nobody cares.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.

“Egotism is nature’s compensation for mediocrity.”    - L. A. Safian

“To do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man’s life.” - T.S. Eliot

Brothers and Sisters of the Imaginary Church, we are gathered here for the last time this year.  I will be taking a short sabbatical in order to recharge the holy batteries with a much needed trip to the City of Angels and the Holy Temple of the Las Vegas Strip.  As we prepare to celebrate the New Year it’s customary to make resolutions.  What can we do better?  How can we improve ourselves in some small ego driven way?

Well, I for one am already perfect so that seems like a tremendous waste of time.  Besides, the dark cold days of February kill off the best of intentions with a frigid laugh.  Instead, I’m going to offer a list of qualities that I’d like to increase as well as shit I could live without.  This seems like it might be more useful.  Or not.  Only time will tell.  Feel free to make your own list.  Or be lazy and use mine.  What the hell.  And so it goes.

Oh great and mighty unfeeling and uncaring Universe, hear my intentions and take note.  Even if you don’t give a fuck.  I would like my 2010 to include:

More joy and more music.  More fun and more rum.  More compassion and more beauty.  More freedom and more tolerance.  More training and more riding.  More friends and more sex.  Better food and a calmer center.  And more kids made a little bit more content.

Fewer judgments and less anxiety.  Less worry and less fear.  Less religion and less hatred.  Less caution and less repression.  Less greed and fewer corporations.  Oh, and well we’re at it, let’s kill off Fox news.

So there you have it.  My plans for 2010.  See you next year.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.  Amen

“Court life with love, and tame it with discipline; be an amateur at heart, and a professional in mind.” - Eolake Stobblehouse

Well boys and girls, here we are again.  Monday morning and the world is going to hell in a hand-basket.  There are many important issues to be discussed, but the good preacher just isn’t in the damned mood.  So let’s talk about vegetarians instead.  Not that vegetarians aren’t serious.  Lord no.  You’ll never find a more serious group.  I just meant that I’m not too serious on the subject.

I better start with a disclaimer.  I was a vegetarian for about 18 months in the late 80’s.  I swear I was starving the entire fucking time.  Also some of the most important people in my life are vegetarians.  I support their choice, whether spiritual or political, even if I don’t happen to agree with it.  Intelligent people can disagree without rancor and I hope they take this sermon in the way it is intended.

One of the joys of being a paranoid nut case is that you don’t necessarily need facts to explain the world around you.  One’s mind is free to consider all sorts of entertaining possibilities without being constrained by a reality based paradigm.  (And my world is probably more interesting than yours.)  It was with this skill set that I started to think about vegetarians.  You see, diet is pretty simple to me.  Our ancestors survived because they could and did eat anything.  We are predators.  We live at the top of the food chain and I see no need to apologize for it.  I don’t think God much cares one way or the other since pretty much everybody seems to everybody else in nature.  I also don’t feel the need to follow 2000 year old superstitions about certain foods.  So I eat the things that taste good and provide efficient fuel.  End of story.

Given these clear and simple facts I’ve tried to explain why so many bright people don’t want a tasty steak.  And a few years ago I finally figured out the ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION.  Cow hypnosis.  Yep.  You heard it here first.  Cows are hypnotizing people into not eating meat.  Makes sense, doesn’t it?  Once you know the facts it becomes so crystal clear.  Think about it:

* Cows have those deep brown eyes, perfect for hypnosis.

* Cultures that don’t eat beef don’t eat any meat.  Cultures that don’t eat pork still eat beef.  Pigs clearly can’t hypnotize.

* Some vegetarians still eat fish, or even chicken.  But the FIRST thing they always give up is “red meat”.

* All creatures in nature have some form of defense against being eaten.  Cows have nothing.  They’re dumb, slow, big, without weapons.  Nature wouldn’t do this to anyone, so it gave them the power to hypnotize.

* Vegetarians seem driven to convert the world.  Meat eaters, not so much.  Vegetarians have been hypnotized to do the cow’s work for them.

* Vegetarians are frequently people who’s minds are open to change and personal growth.  Therefor they might be more likely to fall prey to hypnotic suggestion.

* I could go on, but no amount of evidence will be enough for some people.

So there you have it.  Vegetarianism explained.  Next time you see a group of cows staring at you be sure you steel your mind and your resolve.  Otherwise you’ll be damning yourself to a lifetime of salads and tofu.  You’ve been warned.  Vaya con Dios.  Viva la Revolucion.