AVOIDING THE SQUIRRELS

Ohhhh, loyal parishioners, it’s been such a long time since we gathered around our collective electronic screens to hear me rid my head of whatever debris has collected there.  But fear not.  The Right Reverend is back, healed up and ready to take on the world again.  Let’s see what flotsam and jetsam come pouring out today…

I’d like to humbly suggest a new concept for all of our public debates.  There are these obscure things that used to be considered important when issues were being discussed.  They’re called FACTS.  You know, real things that aren’t just some pundits opinion, bullshit talking points or religious gobbledygook.  Do they even exist anymore?

Why, I remember a time when people tuned in to news shows or picked up a daily newspaper in order to find out what was happening in the world.  Well, no more of that stuff, little buddy.  Now when we turn on a “news” program we get treated to the verbal equivalent of Dr Seuss’ Zax story.  (Go ahead, look it up.  I’ll wait.)  Some airhead introduces Republican Leader Bubba Buford from Buttfuck Oklahoma and Democratic Congressman A. Arrogant Hippie from NYC who ‘discuss’ an issue from both sides by yelling at each other.  At no point does the ‘reporter’ let you know that both of these idiots are probably full of shit.  And this is the best you can hope for, because some of the stations don’t even bother to present both sides.

Increasingly we’ve allowed our news to become as ghettoized as our radio stations.  Did you smoke a LOT of pot in college?  Please tune into MSNBC.  Is there evidence of significant inbreeding in your family tree?  Fox News is right this way.  My pastor said that the liberal media was pushing a gay agenda so everything they say is evil.  The Religious Right is trying to scare America into giving up it’s civil rights in order to give Dick Cheney orgasms.  Blah blah blah.  My personal favorite moments are when the Right declares that they represent ‘real America’ and no one points out that damn few people live in their shitty little states.  Or when MSNBC hippies start ripping the ‘corporate controlled media’ on a station owned jointly by Microsoft and General Electric.

You think the death of the fact in the media is a joke?  Well, the Texas State Board of Education just announced a new state wide curriculum that is delightfully fact free.  All the little schoolchildren in that state will learn about ‘intelligent design’ and the importance of the conservative movement to the Constitution rather than actual history or science.  No Darwin or Jefferson, just Jesus and Newt Gingrich.  And did the media point out that this shit was just WRONG?  Nope.  They brought in Liberal Pundits to yell about it.  21st century global competitiveness?  Maybe not.

Both sides of the political spectrum are guilty, but I must admit I find the right to be a little bit guiltier.  Probably this is just because they seem to think that the bible is literally true.  I also understand the irony of calling for factual reporting using a forum that is entirely my opinion.  But that’s okay because I’m RIGHT!  Snicker snicker.  I also have to admit that I don’t really have an answer to the problem.  Giant corporations own everything and expect profit from every division.  And apparently fact gathering and objectivity don’t bring good ratings.  But it should.  Probably we have to start with ourselves.  Try to find journalists who just find facts.  Patronize outlets that don’t editorialize, even if what they’re reporting makes you uncomfortable.  Accept facts that conflict with your world view.  And feel free to change your mind if you find out something new.

On second thought, I guess I do know the answer.  What a great way to fuck over the Man.  Keep an open mind and change it often.  That way they won’t know what channel you’ll watch.  Force them to retreat to reality because the audience is seriously schizo.  I love it.  As usual, I’m a freakin genius.  Vaya Con Dios and Viva ls Revolucion.

Christmas is forced upon a reluctant and disgusted nation by the shopkeepers and the press; on its own merits it would wither and shrivel in the fiery breath of universal hatred.  G B Shaw

Merry Christmas my ass.  Already my email inbox is filling up with ‘Defend Christmas’ and ‘Keep Christ in Christmas’ propaganda.  And Lord knows my television can’t seem to keep itself from imploring me to buy shit to celebrate the ‘holiday’.  So you know a rant is coming…

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here not to praise or damn Christmas, but to reclaim it with hard cold facts.  I’m going to provide you with a quick history, illuminate the ways the squirrels have fucked it up almost beyond redemption, and show you how to truly celebrate this ancient festival of passion and light.

THE ORIGINS AND GROWTH:  A few of thousand years ago people became aware of the cyclical nature of the seasons.  In the northern hemisphere this meant that the sun, that all important provider of heat and light and grower of food, spent less time in the sky throughout the fall.  In late December (on our calendar) that process reversed itself and the days got longer.  That meant spring was coming again.  Could there be a better reason for a wild party?  So most every culture celebrated with a combination of imploring the local gods, thanking the sun itself, a feeling of tremendous relief, and good old fashioned orgy of drunkenness, gluttony, and sex.  Makes sense.  Throughout the fall it’s getting colder and darker and we carefully  prepare for the worst.  When the sun turns back around we can relax and let out all that anxiety.  And fertility always means sex.  Good times.

In the 4th century the Roman Emperor converted to Christianity.  He also converted most of the Roman empire.  Not everyone was thrilled with this idea and they needed a little convincing.  As part of the negotiation he promised them that they could keep their largest pagan festival, The Saturnalia.  He declared the date of birth for Jesus to be December 25th, not because he was actually born on that date but because that was the birth date of the Mithras, a version of the Greek sun god Helios.  His birth was also witnessed by three shepherds under a north star.  In fact much of the modern story of Jesus’ birth may have been ‘borrowed’ from Mithraism.  The Mithra birthday party was the height of the 12 day Saturnalia celebration which included gift giving, drunken debauchery, feasting, and repeating ‘Ho Saturn’ three times upon meeting friends.  This last custom was eventually shortened to ‘ho ho ho’.  Sound familiar?

Over the next thousand years Christianity spread throughout Europe.  And since the tactic of pagan party adoption had worked so well, they kept at it.  The druids brought evergreens into the house around the solstice to represent the re-greening of the fields.  Germans and others hung apples and other ornaments on trees for the same reason.  The Norse burned a Yule Log.  Southern Italians forced minorities to run naked from house to house singing songs.  Many cultures had a father or prankster figure that brought gifts.  In short, Christmas became a cultural vacuum cleaner for everyone’s solstice celebrations.

HOW THE HELL DID WE GET HERE:  What we consider to be a ‘traditional christmas’ is actually pretty modern and, like every culture before us, it represents our current god, the Great and Almighty Commerce.  The current incarnation of Santa Claus found everywhere is based on the work of an illustrator named Haddon Sundblom who worked for Coca-cola.  The bright red and white were representative of their corporate colors.  Card companies and department stores have long used the holiday to bring out the shoppers.  Almost every modern christmas ritual was either designed by or promoted by a retail company.  Just like the Christians before them they’ve adopted the ancient festivals for their own purpose of conversion.  By celebrating modern Christmas you are celebrating the greatest god of our time Consumerism.

CHRISTMAS AND CHRISTIANITY:  One of the ironic things here is that Christians have been complaining about losing their stolen holiday for hundreds of years.  Early American Christian churches knew their history better than the current crop does and tried repeatedly to outlaw the holiday.  In fact the puritans succeeded in making christmas celebrations illegal it in New England for a while.  English newspapers were complaining about the over commercialism of the holiday as early as the mid 1700s.  The central conflict between Christian joy repression and solstice time revelry has always provided a tense background for the holiday.

The modern ‘War on Christmas’ crap isn’t new. the christians just keep changing sides.  Christmas was actually never a truly christian holiday and it isn’t a christian holiday now, it’s a commercial one. Of course you can choose to worship a dead jewish carpenter’s son during the celebration if you’d like.  But it’s RIDICULOUS and WRONG to insist that it defines the holiday.

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES:  So what is a modern, relatively aware, non-christian to do?  What if you don’t want to worship at the altar of Macy’s?  What if you think Consumerism and Commercialism and Jesus are all false Gods?  Well, for the last few years I’ve tried to ignore Christmas and, much to my surprise, it didn’t go away.  So this year I’m going back to it’s roots.  An orgy of wine, gluttony, and sex.  Light and nature and fun.  Sure, a christmas tree.  Why not.  Candles, friends, and laughter.  No gifts, no Jesus, no forced somber moods.  The sun is returning and I’ll welcome it back with open arms.  And then I’m going to LA for two days followed by 5 more in Vegas.  A true old fashioned, traditional Bacchanalia.  Chasing around pretty girls while I’m fueled by rum, cigars and big thick steaks.  Ho ho ho indeed.  MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.  Amen

A man is only as faithful as his options-  Chris Rock

What the FUCK?  Let me get this straight.  The entire country has it’s collective panties in a bunch because a good looking, uber-talented, rich, famous, powerful athlete likes to put his penis in a willing cocktail waitress every once in a while.  Oh, come on.  First of all, it is not anyone’s business.  At all.  All the ass-monkeys saying that he owes us an explanation should be savagely beaten with their microphones.  Secondly, well duh.

Gather around boys and girls for your injection of truth in a world full of bullshit.  I can’t believe I have to go over this again.  Humans like sex.  Sex is good and healthy.  Men like attractive women and frequently want to have sex with them.  Women like to have sex with powerful men.  This shouldn’t be a fucking news flash, but the media can’t seem to figure it out.  It’s a fucking revelation every time it happens, which is every god damned day.  If I were Tiger Woods my life would be filled with hot and cold running bimbos.  So what?

Oh, I can already hear the anti-joy police wringing their collective squirrel paws.  Go ahead, give me your best shots.  I’ll kick your argumentative asses back into the puritan holes they crawled out of.  (Please excuse the poor sentence structure.  I liked the way it sounded.)  Here they come.  Line them up for me…

The Christians-  Adultery is a sin against God.  Shut the fuck up.  Christian sexual repression has led to hatred and fear all over the world.  God is not concerned with our relationships.  Sanctimonious scumbags claiming to speak for God care about this shit, usually while fucking an underaged male prostitute.

The Monogamists-  He has sinned against his wife.  The sacred vows of marriage have been broken.  Please.  Marriage is an arrangement between two people.  As consenting adults they may live by any rules they choose to negotiate.  No two marriages are alike, and MANY very GOOD relationships allow for a little hanky panky on the side, explicitly or by implication.  His hot little Swedish wife might be pissed off.  If so, they’ll have to work it out and come to some accommodation.  Or not.  It’s none of our business.

The Sanctimonious-  He lied to his wife.  He can’t be trusted.  We don’t know that.  And even if he did, she’ll probably forgive him.  Will the first person who has never lied in a relationship please let me know so they can be Sainted?  Sure, lying about affairs is dumb.  I assume he’ll stop doing it or get better at it.  Don’t care.

The Social Commentator-  He created an advertising image and now he needs to answer for his behavior.  This is just ridiculous.  Did you really think he was a god because he was really fucking good at hitting a little white ball with a stick?  Nike and Gatorade will continue to pay him because he WINS.  As long as he’s a good golfer he’s a good spokesman.  And what he does with his other balls won’t change this one whit.

The Femi-nazis-  He treated his mistresses like sex objects.  He needs to punished.  If he needs to be punished I’m sure his wife will see to it.  And yes, he treated his mistress like a sex object.  Men like sex and attractive women are the objects they most want to have sex with, ergo women are sex objects.  Men are sex objects too.  It’s part of the human experience.  Get over it.  And you’re far wiser than I if you can figure out who gets used more in these kind of situations.

Let’s face it.  Puritanism in all it’s forms is the fear that someone, somewhere, might be having more fun that you are.  And this makes Puritans judgmental, petty, jealous, and mean.  I say good for Tiger.  Bury yourself in pussy.  I wish I were famous enough to have little hotties throw themselves at me.  (And no, this will not be news to my wife.)  But I won’t let any envy I may feel get in the way of his good time.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.  Amen.

Loyal members of the flock, we are gathered here in gratitude for our annual Thanksgiving celebration.  We all know the value of gratitude.  We all know that it brings joy, service, and wisdom.  And we all know that it’s opposite, entitlement, is one of the Man’s great weapons to make you miserable and fuck up the world.  So go ahead, enjoy your turkey, stuff yourself with pie, and revel in all that is good.  Since we already know all this, let’s move on shall we?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?  4:00 am lines outside Walmart, a store that’s open all the fucking time?  Masses fighting to get into Kmart or Macy’s in the middle of the night?  SHEEP SHEEP FUCKING SHEEP.  Okay, I need to calm down.  Deep breathing.  There we go.  Ohhhmmmmmm.  Better now.  Let’s try to discuss this calmly.

Christmas is a giant retail scam to keep you in debt, working for the man, and away from any kind of spiritual awakening.  There is absolutely no reason on earth to buy everyone a gift once a year.  If you see something that you’d like to give a friend or family member,buy it and give it to them.  Right than.  Forced gift giving is evil.  I’ve read the bible and no where in it does Jesus say “If you love me you better buy a gameboy for your nephew”.  The wacky conservatards on the right even have this part right.  Christmas is a celebration of light, a spiritual holy day tied to the solstice, a chance for us to be reborn with the new year.  Not some great sacrifice to the god’s of retail.  And I’m not just ranting here.  I have kids and we don’t do christmas gifts.  Really.  And they’ve survived just fine.

If you’re on line before dawn in order to save a couple of bucks and buy a bunch of gifts you need to seriously examine your life.  Where are your priorities?  With Christ?  Nope.  With Joy and light and rebirth?  Hardly.  SHEEP, SHEEP, FUCKING SHEEP, SLAUGHTER THEM ALL.  No, no, calm down.  More breathing.  Go to my happy place.  Ahhhhhhhh. peace and bliss.  Now where were we?

Love is not for sale.  Your children will not love you more if you buy them some piece of crap video game.  There are 10,000 better ways to show friends that you care.  If you need to give your wife a diamond in order for her to show you physical affection then you married a whore.  Commercials are stealing your humanity.  Christmas is killing your spirit.  Each time you christmas shop a small part of your soul dies.  Stop before it’s too late.  Happy holidays!  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.  Amen.