AVOIDING THE SQUIRRELS

Ohhhh, loyal parishioners, it’s been such a long time since we gathered around our collective electronic screens to hear me rid my head of whatever debris has collected there.  But fear not.  The Right Reverend is back, healed up and ready to take on the world again.  Let’s see what flotsam and jetsam come pouring out today…

I’d like to humbly suggest a new concept for all of our public debates.  There are these obscure things that used to be considered important when issues were being discussed.  They’re called FACTS.  You know, real things that aren’t just some pundits opinion, bullshit talking points or religious gobbledygook.  Do they even exist anymore?

Why, I remember a time when people tuned in to news shows or picked up a daily newspaper in order to find out what was happening in the world.  Well, no more of that stuff, little buddy.  Now when we turn on a “news” program we get treated to the verbal equivalent of Dr Seuss’ Zax story.  (Go ahead, look it up.  I’ll wait.)  Some airhead introduces Republican Leader Bubba Buford from Buttfuck Oklahoma and Democratic Congressman A. Arrogant Hippie from NYC who ‘discuss’ an issue from both sides by yelling at each other.  At no point does the ‘reporter’ let you know that both of these idiots are probably full of shit.  And this is the best you can hope for, because some of the stations don’t even bother to present both sides.

Increasingly we’ve allowed our news to become as ghettoized as our radio stations.  Did you smoke a LOT of pot in college?  Please tune into MSNBC.  Is there evidence of significant inbreeding in your family tree?  Fox News is right this way.  My pastor said that the liberal media was pushing a gay agenda so everything they say is evil.  The Religious Right is trying to scare America into giving up it’s civil rights in order to give Dick Cheney orgasms.  Blah blah blah.  My personal favorite moments are when the Right declares that they represent ‘real America’ and no one points out that damn few people live in their shitty little states.  Or when MSNBC hippies start ripping the ‘corporate controlled media’ on a station owned jointly by Microsoft and General Electric.

You think the death of the fact in the media is a joke?  Well, the Texas State Board of Education just announced a new state wide curriculum that is delightfully fact free.  All the little schoolchildren in that state will learn about ‘intelligent design’ and the importance of the conservative movement to the Constitution rather than actual history or science.  No Darwin or Jefferson, just Jesus and Newt Gingrich.  And did the media point out that this shit was just WRONG?  Nope.  They brought in Liberal Pundits to yell about it.  21st century global competitiveness?  Maybe not.

Both sides of the political spectrum are guilty, but I must admit I find the right to be a little bit guiltier.  Probably this is just because they seem to think that the bible is literally true.  I also understand the irony of calling for factual reporting using a forum that is entirely my opinion.  But that’s okay because I’m RIGHT!  Snicker snicker.  I also have to admit that I don’t really have an answer to the problem.  Giant corporations own everything and expect profit from every division.  And apparently fact gathering and objectivity don’t bring good ratings.  But it should.  Probably we have to start with ourselves.  Try to find journalists who just find facts.  Patronize outlets that don’t editorialize, even if what they’re reporting makes you uncomfortable.  Accept facts that conflict with your world view.  And feel free to change your mind if you find out something new.

On second thought, I guess I do know the answer.  What a great way to fuck over the Man.  Keep an open mind and change it often.  That way they won’t know what channel you’ll watch.  Force them to retreat to reality because the audience is seriously schizo.  I love it.  As usual, I’m a freakin genius.  Vaya Con Dios and Viva ls Revolucion.

Words are things; and a small drop of ink / Falling like dew upon a thought,

produces / That which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think. -Lord Byron,

Well, let’s see what words we can drop ink on today that we may produce a million thinking people.  Or not.  As I was communing with the almighty god this morning (actually I was suffering through an ugly rehab run) it occurred to me that we need fewer questions and more answers.  So, loyal parishioners, let us be solutions oriented today.  And rather than trying to solve any one of the myriad problems the world faces, I think I’d prefer to muse upon a Draconian solution that solves a whole bunch of shit.  That’s so much more fun.  So here we go…

On a couple of occasions your gentle, truth-seeking Reverend thought it was a good idea to study Zen in a fairly traditional setting.  When one is sitting formally, in and old-school temple, there are monitors.  These fine folks walk slowly and quietly behind the rows of meditators and carry a big stick made of split bamboo.  If they happen to see you nodding off or staring off into space daydreaming they stop behind you and wait.  At this point, as a good Zen student, you bow forward and they smack you twice across the soldiers.  Whap whap.  This brief burst of pain wakes you up and helps refocus your attention.  Kind of like awareness police.  And it works.  Really well.  I’m proposing we take them out of the temple an apply them to the world at large.

Let’s face facts.  Human beings are self-centered, stupid, and easily distracted.  I know, this is hardly news.  But it seem to have gotten way worse recently because 1) we’ve invented so many cool distractions and 2) we’re relatively safe from natural predators.  I’m sure nobody wears Ipod earphones and texts their bff while walking around areas where tigers still eat people.  We have a deep awareness deficit.  A guy recently lay dying of stab wounds on a street in NYC for hours because NO ONE NOTICED!  Muggers, taggers, rude drivers, litterers, and scofflaws of all kinds depend on no one noticing their transgressions.  We don’t need to give up civil liberties to protect ourselves from a terrorist, we just need to PAY ATTENTION.  The last two attempted attacks were foiled not by body cavity searches or police cameras but by people who noticed shit.  A guy trying to light his underpants on fire in a plane and a smoking car left in Times Square with the keys in it.  We don’t need more police or fewer rights.  We just need to be reminded that we’re in the world and that we should probably pay attention to what’s happening around us.

Of course the most elegant solution would be to let tigers loose all over the place.  While I personally love this idea, I can see that it does have certain limitations.  So instead I’m going to look to my Zen experience as the answer.  Awareness officers.  Let’s train thousands of them.  Volunteers, so it doesn’t cost any money.  Martial Artists, meditators, paranoids, bikers, anyone with a slightly higher level of awareness.  Let’s give them sticks, or hell, let the just us their hands if necessary.  They get special badges that make them immune from being sued or arrested for simple assault.  And put them EVERYWHERE.  Any public space.  I love this idea.

Just imagine it.  You’re walking down the street, yapping away on your blackberry, a menace and annoyance to the world.  And out of nowhere somebody walks up to you and whaps you in the head.  You’re stunned because YOU DIDN’T SEE HIM COMING, largely because you WEREN’T PAYING ATTENTION.  But after the smack you immediately rejoin the world.  You notice the people around you.  You’re PRESENT.  In the HERE AND NOW.  What a wonderful gift.  Think about it.  The world would slowly change for the better.  If some dumbass teenager decided to write on the wall, everyone would see him.  Muggers would be shit out of luck.  We’d demand that ugly shit get cleaned up, since we’d actually BE LOOKING AT IT.  And distracted drivers would at least be heavily bruised.

Of course it would be better if the plan was codified into law, but the moral retards in Washington and Sacramento don’t have the balls to enact useful shit like this.  So fuck them.  I may just start myself.  Randomly smacking people who aren’t engaged in the world around them.  For their own good.  I’m appointing myself as the first Awareness Officer.  Would you like to be deputized?  I thought you might!   Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.

“It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

Okay.  The final war post, at least for the time being.  I truly believe in balance.  Yin yang.  Finding the middle by holding both extremes.  It’s the core belief that all my other beliefs are built on.  All good things rise out of balance, both individual and societal.  And now it’s time to look at the ‘other side’.

In my first war post I professed a support for the military and the necessity for war.  I also strongly support anti war groups and pacifists.  They help keep our society honest and provide a needed conscience.  They also help keep us out of stupid useless wars and idiocy fueled adventures.  So where the fuck are they?  We’re currently fighting not one but two pointless wars.  They’ve been going on for 8 god damned years and there seems to be no real resistance.  When I was a kid there was only one small war going on and the pacifists were running around everywhere.  College campuses were hot beds of antiwar sentiment.  Now, almost nothing.  The occasional Pink Lady protest.  Move On bumper stickers.  Come on people.

I would hate to think that the protests around the last war were just about rich white kids not wanting to be drafted.  (Although that may well be true.)  These wars suck just as much as Vietnam.  The kids who come home in body bags are just as dead.  The innocent casualties are just as horrific.  Why aren’t there giant parades and rallies?  Where are the militant groups threatening violence?  Get off your lazy asses and bring this thing to an end.  Do you think Obama would order 30,000 more troops if his constituency was marching in the streets calling for peace?

Part of the blame here is going to have to be shouldered by the artistic community.  40 years ago the pop charts were peppered with Bob Dylan, The Byrds, Peter Paul and Mary and Pete Seeger.  Joan Baez, Judy Collins, John Lennon.  Now we get nothing but political silence.  It’s shameful that a large percentage of the American casualties are African American soldiers but the hip-hop world is more concerned with buying jewel encrusted cars.  I mean really people, what is public television going to play during pledge drives in 2035 if there isn’t great protest music being written?

It might sound like I’m kidding, but I’m deadly serious here.  Are we so controlled by the corporations that profit from war that we can’t get music published that has different opinion?  Are we all sheep?  Sometimes I wonder if even Pete Seeger looks around and gets a little pissed off.  So let’s get off our asses, leave the comfort of our televisions and our video games, and get to protesting.  I don’t want to have to tell you again.  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.  Amen

“Fear is, I believe, a most effective tool in destroying the soul of an individual — and the soul of a people.” - Anwar Sadat

So, loyal parishioners, now we are well into our discussion of war and the US of A.  Last time we, or shall I say I, decided that we needed to get the hell out of Iraq and Afghanistan post haste.  Today I’m going to go one step further.  I’m going to describe what our military policy should be.  I expect these changes to be implemented immediately.

Like or not we’re an empire, albeit an ineffective one.  Hell, the average American is so drugged by tv and walmart that they don’t even know that we’re an empire.  This has to end.  It’s just stupid.  We currently have SEVERAL HUNDRED military bases in about 100 countries that aren’t ours.  The actual numbers are hard to come by, which is interesting in itself.  Why are we doing this?  How many billions of dollars does this cost?  What do we really get from it?  Jeez, what a mess.

As I said, I’m not antimilitary and I understand a strong presence is sometimes necessary.  I’m even willing to concede that the occasional war is okay.  But we don’t need bases from wars long past.  Do we need to be in Japan and Germany even though WWII ended 65 years ago?  South Korea?  The Philippines and Guam because we beat Spain 100 years past?  We don’t need to be policeman to the Earth.  It’s just silly, and you’re paying for it.  I haven’t noticed any foreign bases on our soil.  Why are we there?  What gives us the right?  What good does it do?  All it does is provide vast wealth and power to the military industrial complex that Eisenhower warned us about.

So, step one of the new reality is close EVERY foreign base.  Bring all the stuff and all the brave soldiers home.  Is there any other country that is so dumb that it can’t protect it’s own borders or police it’s own ports because it’s soldiers are in Turkey?  Didn’t think so.  I think the budget deficit just got way more manageable.

Step two- Let’s re-negotiate who our allies are.  If you’re bagging your women, we don’t need you.  If Israel is truly our friend, agree to protect them.  And let everyone know that we’re happy as hell to fight a war if you attack an ally.  But we’ll fight in your country and we’ll use big missiles full of nukes.

Step three- Build the military to reflect the world as it is, not as it was.  We need  to be able to go in and get small groups very quickly.  Figure out what we need, build it and train for it.  Since the military will be here it shouldn’t be an insurmountable problem.

Step four- Stop being a pussy about nuclear weapons.  Yep, they’re scary.  And as Americans we’re just crazy enough to use them.  So fuck with us and we’ll nuke your ass.  End of story.

We’re Americans.  We have a long history of innovation.  We were the original freedom fighters and nasty guerillas.  We can do this.  And we can use the extra money to educate ourselves and maybe get some healthcare.  Get to it.  NOW!  Vaya con Dios and Viva la Revolucion.  Amen